08 Ekim 2009, Perşembe
saat: 09:22
I don't know where to start from to my writing. Should I start all the way from the beginning, the day I have met him or should I go even further and talk about myself beyond that...
It was my 22nd birthday yesterday. It was the first time I was behaving like I am ignoring it. I wanted to see it as an ordinary day, not that I give special meanings to birthdays, but I was really feeling exhausted from the joy and the rush of life and I chose to disregard it. I was feeling lost in between my thoughts about my future, and feeling older. Then, that day starting from the noon till 2am, I was living in another state of mind. I was not here in my regular life, but I was also not living in a dream, it was feeling like a dream but I didn't want to get carried away in an unrealistic place. Instead I was coming and going back and forth. There were times that I saw myself out of my life and looking at what is happening a few steps away, I saw myself astonished...
Matt is one of these people who I think that they are very special in life. I know very few like that who are wonderul humanbeings inside and outside, and they are there in my life but not very close to me even if I would love them to be. But no matter how close they are to me, I can still appreciate their existence in my life and the world because these people give out peace, understanding and empathy are their innate abilities.
Matt is one of these people and I know to the ones who can see it, he is not precious only to me, but to humanity. The more I get to know him, the more I see the beauty in the things he does and how he sees them. I liked Matt from the first time I have met him, he was an interesting and a cute looking guy to me in Red Room, he was willing to chat with me this time and I remembered him from before that I have seen him in Umit and Yehuda's house. I was happy to talk to him that night maybe for the first time...
Like always just one day before that day, actually on that day, I was thinking how come I am such a passionate person who loves to feel but living without no sincere feelings for two years. I was thinking my passion for human love is a problem and is an unhealthy will. Again, I was thinking how passionate I am for life in general, for learning, sharing, good close friends, nature and arts. I thought I will go on with what feels safe to be passionate about. I have been interested in loving men since I was 6, I've had my first boyfriend when I was 16 and till then I have tasted physically everything with a man. I have been in platonic love, I have had feelings for a girl, I have been in crazy hopeless love, I have tasted the romance, the intimate love, the long distance love where you live the other in your daydreams, sometimes at the same times and the most important of all I have tasted the pain of love. My biggest weakness was my love, because my love was for the wrong man and I was unable to have the world on my side, love was tormenting me slowly and hurting me each day. I see love not as one feeling, but more like a storage of lined up emotions . The most beautiful feelings were come to me by love and then the feelings were gone. I was longing to feel them again, but there were only the memories of my past loves and I was bringing them back again and again, because I was unable to feel those amazing feelings for two years to someone new, to someone who deserves...
Now, I appreaciate this unpredictable life because of bringing Matt to me, someone who deserves to be loved and feeled for and it feels beautiful to see that in time. I have been looking to give, love, hold and take care. I am happy to see that it is safe and right to give Matt everyhing I can. After a long time, he made me feel that I am a giver again. He inspires me and opens me, lets me be this girl who I have lost long time ago and who I have been searching desperately to find...
It was my birthday yesterday, but more than that it was also my rebirth day. I feel safe, peaceful and ready to start a new journey with Matt. It is exciting and full of feelings and new things to discover. I am looking to show all of me to him and share my life as much as I can with him. This story will not have an ending, because I know that as long as I want, I will have him in my life. I love him because of his respect to me, because of how he feels joy when he sees me joyfull. Because of thinking about me more than me. (Hot water bath surronded with candles and incents, romantic jazz songs, a lively colourful painting of Minghai Lu and the rainbow colours covered dream notebook and the yellow coloured curry chicken dish and letting me have him and hold him during my sleep.) He has done these all for me, this quickly?! Why?! Because he is a lover, because he is a human lover, he has the energy to be in love, to make new frieds, he can take risks, he is that courages and that excited about life. I also love him because of the way he chose to live his life, because of how he loves his own life first, how he tries to love, how he is prufied from egoism, how he feels passionate about living and the moments when he is alive. He is a happy positive person who is in the right track of discovering the meaning of life. I am falling for him because of all these things, I want this human.
