01 Kasım 2009, Pazar
saat: 11:25
I don't know if this is a sign that something is just right or the opposite, that I'm too blind to see what's happening right in front of my eyes.
Nothing is the way it's supposed to be. I get nothing out of this, save for a few good things here and there every once in a while. I'm pretty sure if I spent more time worrying about things than actually enjoying them.
But for whatever it's worth, I can't end it. I do not know what's keeping the fire under this while thing burning. It's not what you think it is. But there's something.
Maybe there isn't. Maybe I'm scared shitless at the thought of ending it all. Maybe I know there's not anything else at this point at the horizon and this is the best I've got.
But see, as much as I want to rationalize it by saying those, it just doesn't add up. I've been there, totally. And that didn't stop me. The idea of mediocrity annoys the shit out of me more than anything else, it truly shadows whatever good there might be.
Maybe there's something but I cannot see it yet, not consciously at least.
That I don't want to believe because the idea of there being something that I can't fully understand doesn't go well with me. That's just me though. This is totally plausible. Except not. I don't believe in things like that on principle.
No idea what this is. Really. None.
