30 Ocak 2010, Cumartesi
saat: 02:23
every time we hang out, i think i come off as a vapid, self-centered, pompous airhead. the matter is not that if i am or i am not that way.
it is that i never cared so little about someone before. therefore i don't care how i come off at all.
it's self-serving, and i need that.
i like things to stay somewhat mysterious, somewhat distant to be able to enjoy them.
it's a vicious cycle indeed. i tried and keep trying and still nothing is happening.
sometimes i wonder how i do not to break down in the face of all the negativity, then i feel stupid that i consider breaking down over something that can be considered small, but then i think that it's not that small for me and my life, so i think that i could break down but then i realize that it won't help or solve anything, and the only thing that could work is to try again so i do.
i am not sure when to stop or if i should.
i had a little tiff with it the first time it snowed three weeks ago, and since then i haven't seen it snow.
for some reason i was in london for a day, walking on portobello road and trying to get back to the center of the city. i knew a was in london, but had no way of communicating that to him so i was hoping i would run into him accidentally but i was aware that the chances were slim. then i saw him walking with some friends, ran and jumped on him, and we hugged for like a solid five minutes.
i miss a lot of things these days.
